Friday, June 5, 2009

Fly with me, Lesbian Seagull

Today I flew to Florida to visit my parents. Jeremy (the brother) and I decided to knock out a Mother's/Father's Day trip all at one time. Several birds, two stones, it works.

My seat was in the very back of the plane, sharing a row with a very quiet 19-ish red-head girl and a weird looking late 30's early 40's guy with a Bronx accent and a fanny pack. Oh yeah, you read that correct: FANNY PACK.

The first thing that sticks out about this guy is how friendly he's being to the girl. Incredibly friendly. Too friendly. He's either very polite...or mildly mentally challenged. Come to find out he's just super awkward and possibly an online predator.

As we land and are waiting to exit the plane, the guy starts questioning this girl. What does she do, where's she from, who's she flying with. She giggles uncomfortably like a 5-year-old and answers trying to be nice. I am squirming wishing I could run away from this episode of "To Catch a Predator." He asks her things like "Oh she's your twin? Do you go to school together? Same dorm? Oh you have a house? I bet you have parties all the time huh? heeheehee" GAVOMIT. I AM GAGGING AND VOMITTING.

Then it happens: he brings up Myspace. "Oh I bet you and your sister write on your Myspaces all the time! 'I love my sister, can't live without her! you mind If I add your page?" He slides this last comment in so creepily I literally physically cringed. Not just my face; my entire body cringed. His tone changed immediately from joking to a yearning request. I rolled up the magazine I was holding and started wringing it to pieces in my hands. I COULD NOT HANDLE WHAT WAS OCCURING. THE AWKWARD WAS SUFFOCATING ME.

The kicker? SHE GAVE UP THE INFO. At least it sure sounded legit. Dude pulls out a pen and starts jotting down her name! She told him her full last name! He asked for an email address! She gave it to him! THIS WAS NOT A FIRST DATE. SHE WAS YOUNG TINY AND ATTRACTIVE. HE WAS WAY OVERWEIGHT, BALDING, CREEPY, SLEEZY, AND THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT HIM THAT WAS GOOD. YOU ARE AN IDIOT GIRL!!!

I let her out of the row first and blocked the aisle so he couldn't follow her. She was with several people when she got off the plane, so I didnt' feel like I needed to guard her.

Seriously. WTF. I need a shower. A "Crying Game" shower.

1 comment:

  1. Way to cock-block the guy dude. Not cool.

    No seriously, that sounds terrible. Sarah and I went down to Miami a couple weeks back and I had the 400 lb. guy in the seat next to me routine. He literally took up his whole seat and 1/3 to 1/2 of my seat. It was so ridiculously uncomfortable. He was asleep the entire time and I had to battle his arm continually creeping more and more into my seat. Terrible.

    What's your Myspace name?